Apr 15, 2010
Who's Writing Your Story?
I've always wanted to have a big family. (The above photo is a wee bit of an exaggeration....but I thought it was a hilarious picture!) I've spent much time envisioning what our family could possibly look like in the next few years and even years from now.
I think about details...what kind of home the kids will come home to, what kinds of things we'll do together as a family, what kinds of activities they'll do for fun, who our friends will be.
Up until 3 years into parenthood, things, for the most part, fell pretty much in line with what I had envisioned.
Now Nate and I have been trying to get pregnant with Baby #3 for almost 8 months. Considering that Baby #1 and Baby #2 were surprises while preventing pregnancy, struggling to make it happen a third time has been a bitter surprise.
"What?? What's happening here? This isn't part of the plan. I'm 32. I don't have a lot of time to waste! My friends are having babies. I don't understand what's changed!"
Walking through the disappointment of the last 8 months (especially the latter few) have let me see more clearly how deep my expectations had become. I don't think my dreams were bad, at heart. But I can see how I was starting to feel "due" the dreams I had envisioned, because I wanted it so badly.
Thinking something sounds good is one thing, feeling "owed" it is another.
Well, I found out that things have indeed changed since we last got pregnant and my doctor is kindly suggesting a fertility drug that helps balance out hormones that are unbalanced, thus "kicking" my system back into gear. (Please forgive me if you find the openness here uncomfortable or offensive...just trying to be honest.)
So now, Nate and I face the decisions of how proactive we want to be in this desire to have another child. We fully, deeply believe there is a place for God's sovereign will determining what happens in our family. And perhaps, since He's determined the exact timing of each child in our family, we should just believe that He will make it happen when it's right, and settle into a different level of control. God IS that capable. I believe it.
But we also believe that there is a place for trying. And that God is powerful and all-knowing enough to "override" our attempts that, though well-intended, were just made without divine omniscience. I think God knows we can't know everything and leads this way often. By just shutting doors. He helps us out.
So that is the crossroads we are facing.
Here is what I am learning from the last 8 months:
Who writes my story? I think I've dreamed for so long about what I want my family to be like that I erroneously thought that I did. And that God would make the necessary adjustments as we went along. With that approach, I can see how every little difference between my plan and God's would be very troubling for me.
I hear so many people say how their life turned out so differently than they thought it was going to. You know, that's probably more the norm than not. So if I've pre-determined what I want my life to look like, I'm really setting myself up for disappointment.
What if instead, I took the "let's let God write our story" approach and expected some surprises! Some plot twists, conflicts and trials? I would probably accept them with much more grace and hope, I imagine.
So I'm trying to push a "reset" button in my approach to my life story. I'm expecting some surprises. Rather than feel "owed" a certain level ease and "success", I want to accept all things that happen to us, even the ones we don't understand, as things that are meant for our ultimate good. That's the story I want anyway. How in the world could I know that story? I don't. I'm glad that someone does and that He never makes mistakes. That's comforting.
If you've read this long, way to go. Thanks for listening. I could have blogged about other things, but this is the most "real" stuff happening in my life right now.